A Midsummer Night's Casualty
by Tanith Panic
Summary: This came about from a discussion on another site about the craziest pairings ever. Somebody suggested Big Max (Big Mac and Max) and I coul only see one way that could happen.


A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S CASUALTY

(I got this one out of my archives as a one-shot to celebrate the Zax engagement.)

SCENE ONE THE ED HOLBY

(Max is very upset, in fact he's heartbroken.)

MAX: Oh Zoe, Guy Self says we must not wed,

Without your love I rather would be dead.

(He looks longingly at a tray of scalpels and very sharp instruments.)

ZOE: My love, don't be like foolish Romeo,

Tonight through Holby Wood we too will go.

We'll find that wondrous land beyond the borders,

And then we'll marry, safe from Guy Self's orders.

(Max does a little tap dance in glee.)

SCENE TWO HOLBY WOOD

(Anton Meyer, King of the Wood Spirits, is warning his hapless assistant, Robyn Badlass.)

ANTON: Don't you make magic mischief just for fun,

Or I shall burn you browner than a bun.

(She shivers in fear. They vanish. Big Mac, the happiest and possibly largest wood sprite ever, comes dancing and singing through the trees:)

BIG MAC: I'm a happy wood sprite and I sing night and day,

Yippie aye yippie aye hey.

I've a bow on my back and there's owls for to slay,

Yippie aye…

(Charlie Fairhead comes to have a word with him.)

CHARLIE: (Aside and not in blank verse.) Cut the owl bit. Since Harry Potter you're treading on dangerous ground!

(Big Mac quickly goes to the end of his song.)

It's a bloody fine song and I'll sing it all day,

Yippie aye yippie aye hey.

(As he skips off Max and Zoe come through the wood.)

MAX: My love, I do not like these woods, oh no,

Supposing that we meet the Gruffalo?

ZOE: Now calm down, darling, sleep is what we need,

MAX: (Sidling up to her with a horny grin.)

I like that thought, yes, very much indeed.

ZOE: NO!

(She sings. Credit to Spamalot.)

ZOE: Oh we're not yet wed, so we have to have a care,

So I'll lie down here, but you must lie over there,

When we both are wed, we can snuggle up in bed,

But for now, hands to yourself because we're not yet wed.

(He goes to the far end of the wood, she stays put. They get out their blankets and are soon asleep. Robyn Badlass comes along.)

ROBYN: Ah, look at them, too shy to have some nookie-

With my love juice, they're sure to both get lucky.

(She puts love juice in Max's eyes and runs off giggling. Big Mac comes dancing back.)

BIG MAC: (Loudly.) Yippie aye yippie aye hey.

(Max awakens and is love struck.)

MAX: (To Big Mac.) Speak again, bright angel!

TO BE CONTINUED

PART TWO

(Zoe wakes up and is not pleased.)

ZOE: Max! What's this?

MAX: 'Tis not thee, Zoe, but Big Mac I love.

Who would not change a raven for a dove?

ZOE: Well that's just rude!

(She stalks off. Big Mac backs away.)

BIG MAC: Touch me lad, and I'll pulverise your guts,

I don't mind gays at all - but you're just nuts!

(Anton Meyer comes in dragging Robyn Badlass by the scruff of the neck.)

ANTON: Wretch, can thou see the chaos thou hast wrought?

Restore their minds, or I'll cut your life short!

While Young Lad here's asleep, drop in the juice.

I TOLD that agency you'd be no use!

ROBYN: He's wide awake.

ANTON: Let me take care of that.

(He knocks Max out.)

ANTON: Now do the job you're paid for, saucy brat.

(Robyn drops more love juice into Max's eyes. Zoe comes back. He awakens.)

MAX: Zoe, beloved! (As Big Mac comes dancing back.) Who the hell are you?

ZOE: My man's a nut job, but my love is true!

(Zoe and Max walk off hand in hand, giving each other soppy looks. Anton drags Robyn to the front of the stage.)

ANTON: If this rascal has offended, then her pay shall be suspended.

But if you forgive the lass, clap now and I'll save her ass.

(Nearly everybody claps. Anton claps Robyn on the shoulder and they walk off. Big Mac comes in for the last word.)

BIG MAC: It's a crappy old song and a crappy old play,

Yippee aye yippie aye hey, okay,

Yippie aye, yippie aye, hey.

And that, my friends, is all the Big Max you're going to get from me.

(


End file.
